P.S, I never changed...

An old friend of mine reposted this in her journal, I thought some might find it interesting.

"We all live such a precarious existence. One that can get neatly summed up in a giant game of dominos. You know how the game goes: one nudge in the wrong direction, and one by one we all topple over. Those people farther from the edge put up some resistance, but ultimately no one can withstand the pressure of the other dominos falling on top of them. There are days when I recap on the positives of this bond, the good things caused by such an interconnected relationship. When I realize all the occasions where the only thing keeping one of us from getting knocked over and falling flat is the support of the others pushing against the weight of the tipping hand. When I remember the feeling of knowing someone else understands and isn’t going to judge. When some good comes from talking everything out. Too often though I find myself reflecting on the negative side of it all. The realization that all it takes is a single slip up and everything tumbles. Knowing how close to the edge everyone is, and how many of us really are standing on the edge of the ravine. Remembering how easily someone can fall, stirring up dust and start an avalanche. The connection is a double edged sword, as we’re forged together by the strongest crucible possible, that of spilled blood, and yet a simple blow from an external source will cause us to shatter beyond repair. Nothing can smelt us to be whole just as a broken window can never be put back together without visible cracks. This is the closest we can get, all lined up, giving support yet ready to topple with a gust of wind, just like the little black dominos with their numbered dots. Except, in a game of dominos, watching them all fall over and make a pretty pattern is the best part. And sometimes you put a bell or a gadget on the end, and when everything crashes down, something new can begin, or a light turns on. With us, however, once we tip, there’s no going back. And I don’t think there’s a light to go on at the end either."

 I'm stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. Granted, I've been in this rut for more or less 3 years now, but lately it's taken a turn for the worst and I'm really running out of ideas for keeping myself sane.

This started when I was 15, a Sophomore in high school. I knew people cut, I had a few friends who did. But I never thought it would ever be something I'd resort to. Then I became friends with a senior in my show choir. We had health class together and for some reason we just immediately became very close. She confided a lot in me and I found out that she had a serious problem with depression and self-injury. The more I tried to talk her out of it, the more I began to understand the reasoning behind it. I slowly stopped thinking it was a problem and began seeing it as a solution. As the release she saw it as. As our friendship progressed, she vented to me a lot more. She would tell me about her dreams and thoughts of suicide and I'd spend countless phone calls with her trying desperately to keep her alive for at least one more day. I'd have mini panic attacks in school if she wasn't there. This began to take such a toll on me that I turned to the only thing I hadn't tried to relieve the stress I was under. I began cutting then. And although in the beginning it was harmless (stupid scraps with a safety pin), it evolved into something worse. And she helped me! This is the part that to this day just baffles me. She referred me to message boards with people who could support me, she told my best friend what I was doing so she could help me, but in the mean time she could steal razor blades from her architecture class and give them to me. This way I could actually do damage instead of just meaningless scratches. I realize now that she wasn't a real friend for that. As her problems with her family and her manic depressive/bi-polar boyfriend got worse, her depression got worse. And although she always said she'd feel too guilty to actually kill herself, I'd go to bed every night not knowing if I'd see her again. And so my cutting got worse. It became a serious addiction to me. One that lasted for a while.

I had another friend too. One of the best friends I've ever had. She started cutting early and I tried to help her. When she moved away, helping got a lot harder. There's only so much comfort a phone call can provide. Her abusive mother certainly did a number on her and I would be the only person to get the phone calls asking how to stop a bleeding wound, or how many sleeping pills was too many. This girl has more issues than any one person I've ever met. Abusive mother, drug addicted/violent brother, neglectful father, she was a rape victim, her brother has tried to kill her, and on more than one occasion her mother has kicked her out with no where to go. And that's only half of it. So she would call me looking for solace and advice. I gave her what I could but once we hung up the phone I would feel overcome with guilt for not being able to do more. And when my advice got her into more trouble, or she didn't even take it and things got worse, I would take the full blame and make myself just feel more horrible. She was suffering and I couldn't help her. Even if I was physically with her I knew I couldn't help her. But that didn't stop me from taking responsibility for it. It tore me apart to hear her cry. I just couldn't handle it. And 6 years into our friendship I still can't handle it. Pregnancy scares, drug abuse, alcoholism, she's failing school, letting guys take advantage of her...I can't get her to stop no matter what I say. Yes, my helplessness is my downfall, but can you really blame me?

They weren't the only causes. There was a guy. And older guy. I know that stupid relationships shouldn't be the cause of something like that, but in my defense I was 15 and clearly stupid. I was seeing him behind everyone's backs. It was a secret that I couldn't tell anyone because it would have severe consequences for us both. Now, a secret boyfriend is enough to put pressure on anyone. But, tack on the fact that he was 20 years old, and my best friend's cousin and I was just a mess. Not to mention that he had a girlfriend whom he'd been with for 2 years. What was I thinking, right? Yeah, I don't know either. So I was this stupid naive girl who had herself convinced she was in love with this guy who was going to leave his girlfriend for her. Instead, I was almost raped and left completely heartbroken. What a way to show someone you care. My depression was just out of control at that point. By the time we actually broke up I was pretty sure I just wanted to kill myself and get it over with. Nothing could have hurt worse than that. I was being used for sex and when he didn't get that, he just threw me away like I meant nothing at all. Oh, did I mention he proposed to me? Yeah, I was really stupid back then.

Two months after that I started dating someone and I was decently okay for the next nine months or so. My cutting wasn't quite as out of control as it was because he made me genuinely happy. I fell so completely in love with him, he was perfect. But I couldn't shake the one thing that calmed me when I was stressed and gave me the relief I needed. I was fighting with my parents left and right so although my personal life was finally functional, my home life wasn't. And that's why I couldn't ever fully recover. Because my life was never just completely okay. Something is always wrong. But I was able to keep it under control and hidden for over a year. When he and I broke up, it more devastating than the last time because I was truly in love with him. It took me almost 2 years to get over him. I've been a consistent mess the whole time. I guess I felt abandoned. Not to mention lied to, because just the day before he told me how much he loved me. I guess that wasn't the case after all. He couldn't handle my drama and my issues. I get that now. Not many people can and he had to get out before he got sucked into it to. I don't blame him. Save yourself. You're the only one who can.

This past April I had slowed down, and I hadn't really cut at all until October. That's a decent run I guess. I had a great summer. But the minute she called me and told me about the vicodin I collapsed. Her drug addiction has scared me over and over again and I thought I was going to lose her once, I didn't want to do that again. When she told me she'd been drinking on top of everything I was terrified. This isn't like her. Drugs mixed with booze, and fist fights? She's smarter than that. But she was miserable and I couldn't help her. Again, my helplessness caused my stupidity.

The fighting hasn't helped. I constantly feel like I have to choose. Not because anyone asked me two, because I know that would never happen. But person A talks to me about person B. Well, if I agree with person A, I'm betraying person B. And if I defend person B, then I'm not a loyal friend to person A. And vice versa. The back and forth is giving me whiplash and I'm slowly being torn in two. I hate playing the victim and being selfish like this, but this is destroying me more than anyone can really imagine. More than I even let on. The bigger the fight, the more my heart breaks. And it isn't just with these two people. It's with everyone involved. I don't want to lose anyone because of this, but I fear that I will. Because I can't keep dividing myself like this. It isn't fair to anyone, especially me. And because I can't fix the problem, and I know what everyone's thinking it causes me to deal with my stress the only way I know how. And it's getting bad. But I'd rather they vent and talk to me. I really would. Knowing is better than not knowing. But either way, I can't handle it anymore.

I know Laura is going to be the only person to read this. The reason I'm writing it is so that you understand where this started, and where it's coming from. Yeah, they aren't the most drastic of reasons, but this is my history. This is what has made me how I am. And this is why I'm telling you there's no point to your efforts, not that I don't appreciate them of course. 3 years has just left me broken and I'm pretty sure I can't be fixed.

You want to know why I can't tell my parents? My mom knew about the first friend I ever had who cut. Because I freaked out and didn't know what to do so I asked her for help. All she said was "There's nothing you can do. If they want to be stupid, let them." And then when she caught me, it was worse. I remember it perfectly: I had just come home from my spring concert at school and I went up to her room to say goodnight. The sleeves on my jacket were rolled up and she could clearly see the 4 distinct cuts in my forearm. "What's that?" She asked me. Of course I wasn't going to tell her the truth so I did the typical teenage thing and said "Nothing" while hiding my arm behind my back. She looked up at me and said, "Are you cutting yourself?" with a confused look and when I hesitated on my answer she just told me to go to my room. So I went. She walked in silently and sat down and said, "Do you need to talk to someone?" I hate therapy. You know that. I told you that. So I shook my head violently and said "No." My mom's eyes welled with tears a little and she asked me if I needed help. Again, I said no. "Why would you do that?" was her next question. I told her it was nothing and not to worry about it as I started to cry. Not the tear or two like she had. I started to really cry telling her to leave it alone because it was nothing. She got up, walked to the door and said, "I don't want to see that happen again." And she walked out. I cried myself to sleep that night and we haven't spoken a word about it since. It's like it never happened. This is why I can't tell her. She will not understand. She thinks things like this are a phase and that kids will grow out of it. She doesn't want to understand it. Plus, God forbid her daughter actually have a problem. This is why I have to have perfect grades, and I have to go to a big name school, and I have to be perfect all the time. So her and my dad can talk about how wonderful I am. Because it makes them look good. Because if I was depressed or suicidal it would reflect on them and make them look bad. They don't get it and they never will.

So this is why I tell you that there is nothing left to do. I've been living with this for 3 years. It has highs and lows. Sure, lately has been the lowest, but that doesn't mean it can't turn around and be bearable again. When I'm with my friends, or with my boyfriend, I'm the happiest I've ever felt. But outside of that I feel like I just keep slipping. Yes, this could end in tragedy, but I don't want it to come to that. I'm still fighting it. I am. I know I said last night that I give up and I admit that this is who I am now, but if I do that I'll end up dead. So I'm not going to let it take over. At least I'm going to try not to. And I don't mean to scare you or worry you. I'm sorry for that, I am. Just given recent events I realized that I can't hide this anymore. Especially from you. I tell you absolutely everything. The people who mean the most to me deserve to know what's going on. That's why I wrote this. I couldn't explain it the way I wanted to in our conversation. And this has taken me about 3 hours to write. I'm still not even sure if this explains things the right way, but it'll have to do. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to save me from this. I've been living with it for a while and I can continue to live with it. Of course I don't want to be secretly miserable, but being with you and those that matter help. If I just keep having that, I should be fine. I'll get along. I promise. I'm not going anywhere. I just have to deal.

I was att TDU this afternoon and I was wondering: Why don't relationships work? You can swear up and down that you love someone, or that you'll never hurt them or anything of the like. But the bottom line is that those promises mean nothing. Because you can't make promises like that. Take marriage, for example. How can you promise to feel the same way about someone for the rest of your life? You can't. Because you can never really know a person. There's always that side of them that they won't show you for fear of it being rejected. And let's face it, that's usually what would happen anyway. Jealousy, rage, depression. Or maybe even just some weird habits that will eventually drive you so insane you won't be able to stand it anymore. This is the reality of relationships and love. It's all pretty much one big lie.
Say you meet this guy, right? Charming, funny, sweet, sensitive. The guy pretty much jumped off the pages from your favorite romance novel. A regular Mr. Darcy, or Edward Cullen. It happens. And us as naive women desperate for a romance story of our own fall head over heels, all the while telling ourselves we're not in love because it's too early for that. But really, we just say that so our friends won't think we're crazy because in the back of our minds we could go off and elope and not think twice about it. When did we become desperate for love? I blame authors like Jane Austen who portray it to be something so beautiful and so perfect that we as hopeless romantics will jump at the chance for it. Even if it's all just an illusion, which it usually is. Because really, when you meet someone and start dating, how much about that person do you really know? You only see what that person wants you to see. The part of them that's attractive and appealing, not the side that will send you running for the hills. You date for a months and convince yourself its heavenly bliss and then one of you flip the switch and it's all downhill from there. He doesn't call, or write. You don't speak anymore. Or maybe your PMS gets the best of you and all you two end up doing is fighting...without the make-up sex. What kind of relationship is that? Neither of you end up happy, but you think you're in love so neither person has the balls to actually end the relationship. So you're subjected to watching couples in public smile and laugh and hold hands, something you yourself haven't done in weeks, and pray that things will turn around so you can actually say being miserable for all this time was worth it. Bt that's the thing...it never changes.
This is who he is, who you are. Once you show that side of you unexpectedly, there's no going back to happily ever after. That of course is it's own topic for discussion because I am amazingly convinced that "happily ever after" is a load of bullshit created by people like Walt Disney who want to give children a false sense of reality. When we grow up we're highly disappointed and our expectations are crushed. And we end up sitting around waiting for our fairy tales to come true. Then again, this isn't everyone's sad story. There are people who manage to live successful, happy lives and never have a care in the world. I hate these people because I myself cannot manage that level of security in my life. But shit happens and I digress....
I just wish I could understand why people think dating and being in love is worth it. No one can promise not to hurt you and keep it. I've been promised that too many times and every single time, I've been left heartbroken. And it isn't fair because I want so badly to believe that this is it...a truly decent guy who cares about me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well then I'm just a fucking idiot. And I'm sick of being stupid and naive. I can't just believe it everytime someone tells me they really care. Relationships just aren't that strong.
I've revealed things about myself to significant others that I'd probably never mention if I didn't have that overwhelming sense of trust. There are things in my life that I'm not proud of, things I've been through that made me stronger as a person, and things that are just so essential to who I am that you couldn't possible understand me if you didn't know about it. And it always seems that once I reveal these things, I'm immediately seen differently. I'm judged and I think that's what leads to the downfall of our relationship. They let my past get in the way of what a bright future I could have. That I'm trying to have. Every makes small, sometimes insignificant judgements. But that shouldn't suddenly change your view of someone who you once thought was the love of your life, or your best friend. It just isn't fair to anyone.

My bottom line to this LJ post is just that I'm unhappy, upset, and hurt and I more or less just felt like ranting about what I was thinking today. I just miss that person that was worth coming home to. That person who could say nothing at all but still make me smile. He's not around anymore, and when he is, I feel like it isn't him. If it wasn't for my best friend, I'd feel like the loneliest person in the world. And she's been amazingly supportive and I love her immensely. <3

Oh, I almost forgot to mention. In a totally ironic twist, one of my very close friends, um...proposed. To me. Crazy huh? I go off on this whole tangent of how love is bullshit, yet he proposed to me. It's unbelievable how the world works. I of course did not accept. And we're still close friends despite him being hopelessly in love with me. But it's been 2 years...I'm used to it now haha. We might end up living together if I need an apartment when I come home to NY for good. That's pretty exciting.

So yeah, it's 2:16 and I should probably sleep now. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow. Who knows?
 

 So, I had an interesting conversation today at dinner. I was with my Big and we were talking about her boyfriend. They've been together for 2 years, that's a long time. I haven't been in a relationship that long ever. 9 months was as good as it got for me. And she mentioned how things just got so comfortable between them. The romance was kind of second rate because they were just comfortable together that they didn't have to do all this fancy stuff to prove their affection. It made me think about my friend back home who actually just broke up with her boyfriend. They were dating for a year, but it was tough because he was away at college. And she kept telling me that he changed when he was away. After a few months, he just got lazy. He hardly gave her any attention, and more or less completely ignored her when he was at school. The phone calls I would get from her were absolutely heart wrenching. "What did I do wrong?", "Why doesn't he want to talk to me?". I mean, the guy has been one of my best friends for 4 years, but what an ass he was. And he was totally oblivious to what he was doing to her too. We took a trip up there in November, she and I as well as my other best friend. Of course my family was there because we were "college shopping", but it was mostly to surprise the boys. My friend got to see her boyfriend, and I saw my ex, who I'm embarrassed to say I was still hopelessly in love with. But we were all friends, so it was good times. And it was weird because once the couple was reunited, it was as if nothing had changed. They were lovey-dovey enough to make us all want to kill them and they seemed really happy. That weekend was the best weekend ever. Little did any of us know, but when we got home, things slowly went downhill again. Things finally got so bad lately, that she just decided she couldn't do it anymore. I mean, on their one year anniversary he didn't even see her because he just didn't feel like driving. Honestly, at least come up with a better excuse.

It just bothers me how people can act like that. He really hurt her and as much as he's a good friend of mine, I just can't defend him because he and I both know he was wrong. From my experience, I think it's always better to end a relationship when you realize you don't love them anymore. Don't drag things out hoping it'll get better. You only hurt the other person more that way. And really, there's only so much heartbreak a girl can stand. Ugh, relationships just bother me. Especially lately. I feel like my head might combust with all the thinking I've been doing. But, such is life I guess...

So my friend wrote an LJ entry today, and I've been crying pretty much ever since I read it. It's heartbreaking. Then again, I haven't heard a story from any of my friends all week that wasn't heartbreaking. I guess that's the story of my life. I'm drawn to people who's lives involve as much drama as mine, therefore I get thrown in the mix and then everyone is a lot more miserable. Isn't that how it works? Misery loves company? I wish I didn't have to cause my friends this much pain. I hate seeing them suffer, and know I caused it. Then again I also wish they didn't have to put me through everything they do.

She's been my best friend for 7 years now. In my entire life, she's the only person who's never left me. So it makes sense that I'm so desperately clinging to her, trying to keep anything from happening to her. I just don't know what I would do if something did happen. And I hate to think about it. But for 7 years I've looked out for her, moderately. She's a smart girl, I never thought I needed to worry. Until now. How could she be so stupid to let this happen? She swore she had it under control for years and I blindly believed her. Maybe it's my fault? Maybe I should have been more aware of her dependency. I knew how angry she got when she couldn't smoke. It "calmed her". Sure, it calms everyone, that's what weed does. But I never though her mental state would be compromised if she wasn't high. That isn't like her. And it scares me.

She had anger management problems in the past, sure. I knew that. I was there for that. The fights with her mom were insane. I've never heard anyone scream at another person the way she did. But after 2 years she got over that. I don't think I've heard them fight that bad in a good 3 years, maybe more. And the fighting stopped too. So when she called me Tuesday telling me she practically knocked some bitch out, I was immediately concerned. "I think I broke her nose" she tells me, "What if I get expelled?" And then she tells me she took some pills. Well, she could have ODed, that's how many she took. How is someone supposed to deal with that? Especially when I'm 9 hours away. This is the longest we've ever been apart and I can't protect or help her. I'm so very not ok with it that I'm pretty sure I'm beginning to deteriorate at my very seams. When you begin to anticipate a phone call with the worst news you could ever hear, something is very wrong.

I've never feel this...sick over my other friends before. Like I said earlier, I have some pretty messed up friends who just throw me into their problems. I don't mind of course, because I want to help them, or at least try. But some have been so consistent in not fixing their lives. Like my friend in Florida. I just can't help her anymore. 5 years completely down the drain because the stress is killing me. But even with her, and everything we've been through in FIVE years, this situation feels worse. Because I need her. Our friendship has been so stable, so safe. We've been in one fight in 7 years. She's the only person I go to for help. She's everything to me. Which I think is why I'm having such a hard time believe she could do this. This is going to sound selfish I know, but how could she do this to me? After everything I've gone through with everyone else. She was the one person I was sure I never really had to worry about. She was smart, aware, focused, safe. I can't understand what changed. What would make her suddenly be more dangerous a case than any of my other friends were. College has been hard for both of us. She isn't going through anything up there that I'm not dealing with here. We just have to get through it, that's all. If I can manage without smoking every night or taking ridiculous amounts of vicodin, why can't she? At least she could call me and we could talk about what's going on. I always offer that, except that we end up going weeks without speaking because she's too stubborn to talk to me. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me, like she doesn't want to confide in me. Do I really stick my neck out for people who wouldn't do the same for me? I know my other friends from high school wouldn't. We graduated, they disappeared. Great friends.

I'm just so scared for her because this has never happened before. And I don't know what to do. She told me I'm supposed to have all the answers, and most times I do, but right now I'm just terrified into silence. I have no answers, no plan of action. Nothing. I'm completely and utterly helpless and useless and nothing could ever break my heart more than that. I have a friend back home who is just taking on the entire world right now. I'm sure it seems like an apocalypse right now with all he negative shit hitting her at once. And it's not fair because despite what she may think of herself, she is such a good person and she doesn't deserve this. She just cares about people too much and I truly admire her for it. I'm falling apart with my shit and yet she's going through ten-fold and is almost unbreakable. I say almost because no one's perfect. And I always feel awful because I call her crying and tell her everything that's going on with me and how it's effecting me and I realize later than I just add to her nightmare and I add to her stress and that's the last thing I want to do. I know how much she's hurting right now and I've done absolutely nothing to help. I'm pretty much just a selfish bitch, and I hate that about myself. For years I kept all my feeling and all my issues bottled up because I never wanted to burden anyone. If they weren't involved, why should they have to hear about it, right? And then I met her. She'd been through everything I've been through and more. So I felt like I could confide in her and get real advice. And I do. She's wonderful for that. I just never realized the toll it would take. I want her to know how sorry I am. She tells me she doesn't mind and that she's glad I talk to her. I told all my friends that too. So I know how you really feel even when you won't tell me. It's ok. And I'm sorry for hurting you more. I never wanted that.

It seems almost foolish to me sometimes how something like this could make me fall apart. Maybe it's just because it's her. Maybe I wouldn't be like this for anyone else? Maybe I'm just being over emotional? Whatever it is, it's killing me. I sit in my room and don't do anything. I had to put on the hardest charade for my family this weekend. It took all I had not to just cry my eyes out every time they mentioned her name. It's breaking my heart and I can't do anything to stop it from happening.

Also, I hate bringing him into all my drama. That's what cost me relationships in the past and I really don't want to ruin this. This is supposed to be perfect. And with first the whole military situation, and now all this drug trouble, I'm terrified I might scare him away. Can't say I'd really blame him for running. I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with my drama any more than I do. And I know it hurts him when he can't help me or comfort me and I hate seeing him hurt like that. He shouldn't hurt like that because of me. He's constantly feeling bad because of me and I don't know anyway to make it stop. 

I'm just sick and tired of hurting the people I love and care about. I also hate seeing them hurt beyond my control to fix it. This helpless feeling is something I absolutely cannot deal with and the more it hits me the worse I'm getting. My sanity is on thin ice right now and although I know I'm the only one capable of fixing it...I don't know if I can. How's that for morbid and terrifying? We'll see soon enough if I actually survive this.

 I deleted all the posts I previously had on this Livejournal. Why? Because the stupid, naive girl who wrote those entries isn't me anymore. I've changed so much since I was Sophomore. I really can't even remember who I was back then anymore. I know it's weird thing to say, but I really have changed that much. And it took me until quite recently to see that.

I've been away at college for a month, and contrary to what I've been telling people, it's awful here. And I'm not just saying that because I'm homesick or whatever, but it really isn't too enjoyable down here. I mean, I'm in the music program which should make me crazy happy because it's music and I love to sing. But it's all classical music. Classical is pretty and all, but I'm a contemporary singer. So I'm pretty out of my element. And all these girls are incredible. It's so intimidating. I never thought I'd actually be afraid to sing. I guess there's a first time for everything.

Speaking of firsts, isn't it supposed to be especially easy to find friends in college? Because for the first time, I don't have any friends. I mean, I'm friendly with my suite-mates and my sisters and all, but I don't have anyone I can really talk to or chill with. And I think that's what upsets me the most because college is supposed to be where you find your friends for life, right? Well what if I already have those friends, but I left them in NY for this illusion of the best time of my life? I hate thinking that I've completely abandoned my best friends. They mean everything to me. And now I need them more than ever. I have no one here. I've never felt more alone in my life.

My roommate hasn't been making things any easier for me, either. I think she's purposefully trying to drive me out of the school. Last week, out of the blue, she went into total bitch mode on me. Why? I couldn't really tell you. Did I provoke her? Absolutely not. She just totally went off on me about how if I'm so miserable why I don't just leave. Well Rach, I hate to burst your bubble, but it's easier said than done. Then she decides to get on my case about classes. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were my mother! I mean, it's totally none of her business. And if she was so concerned, there are nicer ways to talk to people. She doesn't have to be so rude. And when I confronted her about the attitude, she apologized and said she was in a bad mood and blamed it on me. Ok, I can understand that. I've been known to do it at times too. But I didn't completely forgive her, I just let it go. What's the point of continuing to argue, right? So everything was cool, at least I thought. Today, I decided to sleep in. I didn't have class until 2:30, and I was on the phone until 5:30 this morning, so I needed the sleep. Rachel leaves at like 11, and then I get a text. More harassing me about class. According to her, I'm going to fail out. Why does she even care?! And then she tells me that I don't go to class, I don't do work, and I'm not friendly. What a load of bullshit! I do go to class, I'm just napping or sleeping in when she's around. I don't have any work, I'm a freaking music major! We don't write papers, we sing. And how the hell am I not friendly? That's the one I was really curious about. Never in my life has anyone ever told me I wasn't friendly. I've been bending over backwards busting my ass trying to be as absolutely nice as I can to everyone I've met here. Her accusations make no sense whatsoever. And then she has the audacity to claim that she's too "mature" for this?!? And then accuses me of starting the argument! I was just trying to defend myself and figure out what caused her sudden case of bipolar. I just don't understand. I've put up with so much from her and I've helped her and defended her when she had issues with other people. And this is the thanks I get for trying to be a good roommate and friend? Remind me to stop being to nice to people.

I told my RA I wanted to switch rooms. I might kill her if I have to live with her anymore. I don't deserve to be harassed like this. It isn't fair to me. I'm stressed out as it is. I called my mother today, just to give her an update on how I was, and I totally broke down. I really can't get out of this school fast enough. I told her everything and she agrees with me and understands. I wish I could transfer for next semester. I really don't know if I can handle a whole year here. It's only been a month and I'm itching to leave. College isn't supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to enjoy it. It's supposed to be the best four years of my life. I shouldn't be this miserable. The worst part is that there's no one to help make things better. My friends are all forever away, and no one here cares enough to notice that I'm not happy. Except Rachel, but she certainly has no intentions to help. If I could swing it, I'd be back in New York next semester. But that won't happen. I'll be damned though if I'm here longer than a year.

To close this entry, I apologize to anyone who actually wasted time reading this. I sound so pathetic talking about how I have no friends. Whatever. I guess I am pathetic. No friends and no where to go. I've officially turned into a hermit. I might just turn comatose if someone/thing doesn't save me soon.